Spring

I have been quite happily hiding in my house the last few weeks. T and I have been spending our time together, really talking, reading, loving, and healing. We go to the store, the gym, and work in the house. But I have been hiding from people. I love our people. But I don't feel like myself right now. I'm still trying to figure out how our loss has changed me and how I will come out of it.

This beautiful spring weekend, we not only left the house, but the state. We went to see our people and it was a good thing. I was able to talk to the friends who knew of our loss. They gave me strong hugs and asked how I was doing and really wanted to know. It was the friends who didn't know of the pregnancy that were difficult. I felt like I had nothing to say, like we had this momentus life changing event that I couldn't talk about. An event that has rocked my foundation and made me look inward and withdraw into the security blanket of my husband and I can't share it. I thought it would be nice to escape for a day and not have to think about it, but it made me feel sad that I was essentially making idle small talk with friends who had no idea what had been going on with us. We talked about the weather, the Red Sox and summer plans. I asked questions that required long answers so I could relax and not have to talk. It was exhausting. After the Red Sox game, we went to dinner with family and friends and that was easier for me. I was able to listen and laugh and not have to be "on."

All in all, it was a good weekend and I was very happy to see our friends and get a lot of healing hugs. My sister in law made it very easy for me to almost feel like my normal self. I spent Friday night with a dear friend who has been through two losses and two months ago, welcomed a little girl. I was able to confide in her and she made me feel much less alone. Miscarriage is such a strange thing; it's so common and yet so isolating. Since we had our miscarriage, several women in my life had confided in me that they had also gone though it. But it's so personal that nobody talks about it until they see another woman suffering with it. All last week, I wondered how I would react meeting our friends new daughter. I worried a little because I love babies and these particular friends but I've been so emotional and missing our own baby. I needn't have worried though. As soon as I saw her, she smiled at me. And as I cuddled with this little miracle and touched her tiny feet yesterday, she started to coo. Her beautiful little soul gave me such hope.