A New Beginning

My running goals have gone into the crapper so far this year. My body has become such a foreign place to me and I have completely lost my motivation to run. I've forgotten that freeing feeling that comes as my feet hit the pavement and the endorphin rush that washes over me as I push past my limits and keep going. We ran a 5 miler in Boston on Memorial Day and I hated every second of it. I gave up running after 2 miles and alternated walking the rest of the way and then I was disappointed in myself. But I hadn't trained at all so I really was out of line to expect any better result.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when T and I ran a 5k in our town. I had signed up for it after I miserably decided that I couldn't let one bad race get me down. But I didn't train for this either. and it showed on race day. I went into it with the goal of enjoying myself and the sun no matter how fast or how long I ran. But after walking a good half of the 3 mile course, and crossing the finish line with a time of 37 long minutes, I was beside myself. I was angry at myself for walking and upset that I wasn't mentally strong enough to keep myself from walking, and sad at how far I'd fallen. But I finally realized something.

I've been setting myself up for failure.

I signed up for races that I wasn't prepared for. I struggled because I wasn't prepared. I felt like garbage because I failed my expectations. And then I beat myself up some more. I used to be so confident and so prepared. In running and in life. Until March that is, when I suddenly felt unmoored and helpless and pathetic.

The upside of this is that I'm done. I can't go on beating myself up for what's happened. I need to get my self together and be patient as I rebuild my confidence. I know it won't happen overnight but I know it's already happening. My lightbulb moment two weeks ago was the beginning of a new attitude and calm for me and I'm looking forward to getting my life back, one day at a time.

New Friends

One of T's oldest friends and his wonderful girlfriend came to visit us last weekend and they came bearing gifts! (I will fully admit that this photo is staged. I had already unpacked it when realized that I hadn't snapped a photo of it, so I pulled the strawberries and cheese back out of the fridge. Ta da!) I was so touched that they thought to do this and T and I can't wait to take our picnic basket to Central Park. I'll have to add that to the to do list. :)The only time we ventured out of the house was to visit the Walkway over the Hudson. It was a gorgeous day for a stroll. And a pretend ride on the old train!

It was a really nice day and we managed to make it back to the car just before the summer rains came.






I will cop to the fact that I'm a giant cheeseball. A sappy pile of mush. But those of you who have been reading this blog know that I have been thinking a lot this year about my village and all of the fantastic people that make up our circle of support and love. I'm so happy to add one more person to that group. Thank you Bobbie Jean for the beautiful picnic basket, for coming to spend the weekend with us and for being my new friend!

Travel Memories

In September of 2009, T and I took our biggest adventure yet: Our dream trip to Italy. My favorite place in Tuscany was a tiny hill town called San Gimignano. We rode in the top of a double decker bus out of Florence to get here, around sharp curves with loose gravel and steep drops on one side. It was not a ride for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. But the town was definitely worth it.
We ate lunch (the best sandwich I've ever had!) over looking this.

T and I are not souvenir people, but I found something in this tiny shop that I knew we would keep forever.

We hung it up yesterday.

It deserved such a special place in our house that it took us forever to decide where to hang it. It had to be a spot that we would see often.

When I look at our Italy tile, the memories of the tiny hill town, the little shops, and the most amazing sandwich I've ever eaten come flooding back. I love having our travel mementos out where we can see them. Welcome out of the basement my beautiful tiled friend. :)

The bathroom is done!

The bathroom project was kind of an afterthought. We didn't think it would be as time consuming or necessary as the other projects we wanted to do, so it was relegated to the back burner. About six weeks ago, we had a free weekend and decided to just throw some paint on the walls to get rid of the lime green. Blech. So we did. A couple of new rugs, a shower curtain and a mirror, and voila. The wall color is called Comforting. and it really is. I love this new look. It is a complete sanctuary for me.

Out with the old...

In with the new.

New York State of Mind

I love New York City. Some people go to the wilderness to heal and to calm their thoughts. I go to NYC, where the hustle and energy makes me feel alive. When I walk the streets of NYC, I am anonymous. Nobody knows what we've been through. I am able to forget the sorrow and feel like my old self again. We have been so busy doing projects around the house that we needed to get out and have some fun. And fun it was.

We started out at the Met where T's work badge gets us in free. The special exhibet is Alexander McQueen fashion which look to be true works of art. We didn't get in there because there was such a long line, but we checked out a fabulous photography exhibit and were awed by the Tibetan art and rug section. The roof deck is always a must see for the city views. T was deep in thought here.

This piece is the biggest piece of stone I've ever seen. Amazing.
After we were good and cultured, we wandered through Central Park. The weather couldn't have been more gorgeous. There were sunbathers, dogs chasing frisbees, birthday parties, and little league games all sharing space on the Great Lawn.

The next stop was The Butterfly Bakeshop. http://www.butterflybakeshop.com. I had purchased a certificate on Gilt City for 6 mini cakes and we went to pick them up at the kitchen. We went to the 7th floor of what looked like an apartment building, and when we opened the door, we walked into this huge, airy kitchen where all the confectionary magic happens. We were surrounded by gorgeous tiered cakes and fondant covered creations and all the tools of the trade. For the girl who loves to watch wedding cake shows, (if you haven't seen Amazing Wedding Cakes, check it out!) this was very exciting.

These are what we left with. Yum.

An assortment of the 6 flavors.

I lived in NYC for three years and have spent as much time as possible there in the five years since. But we still find new things every time we go. We wandered past McGarry's and decided to check out the beer garden. www.mcgarrysnyc.com

T and I finished off our day of fun with dinner at Rosa Mexicano with my friend S. The three of us shared sangria and a lot of laughs. I keep saying this, but I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. And lucky to live so close to the city that I love so much.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have some cakes to try!

Bathroom Sneak Peek

We have a giant brown wall in our bathroom. I looked at all my usual haunts for some fun art to break up that big brown wall but couldn't find anything that fit. So I checked out art.com and was able to search by color. Within 10 minutes, I found the perfect pictures for that space. Today at Michaels, I found the perfect frames with a very slight eggplant tinge. In the clearance section. For $9.99 each. :)

Once we get the mirror hung, the bathroom will be officially done and I'll show you the finished product. But for now here are our new friends!

Halfway Through the Year

Lightning storms have returned to sticky, humid nights. The birds have discovered our new feeders and the grill has been used almost constantly. Baseball season is in full swing. Summer is official, which also means that 2011 is half over. This has been an eye opening year and a terrible year. It's been a year of discovery for me. I've realized in the depths of my sorrows, how many people surround me and prop me up.

It's been about three months since we lost our little one and I have mostly good days. But I do have bad days too, days where I can't help but wonder why me and why aren't I six months pregnant with a round little belly? I have days where if I have to hear one more ridiculous platitude about it being nature's way or how someone is sure that I'll go on to have healthy kids, I might scream. None of this is helpful.

Because we're halfway through 2011, I went through my giant To-Do List to see how I'm doing. I'm not doing very well. We didn't do the 5 Boro Bike Tour or attend the Kentucky Derby. They were on the same weekend and we didn't do either one. I skipped the WGA Awards and can't find my camera users manual. I don't think Billy Joel is touring this summer and I can safely say that I'm not mentally competent this year to train for or run a half marathon.

But because I'm trying to be more positive, let's move on to the good things. I applied for the White House Tour so we're just waiting on a date. We're plotting our basement reno and the tile for the kitchen floor. We have to replace our fence unexpectedly, so the deck refinishing may have to wait but we're okay with that. I finished our wedding scrapbook earlier this year and worked in the yard a lot and completed a lot of the landscaping that wasn't on the list and I feel really good about that. I have surprised myself with how much I've enjoyed working in the yard and watching the flowers begin to bloom.

I've really had a hard time putting my feelings into words lately and blogging has been really difficult. It's tough to type the words when they're jumbled and incoherent in my head. These last few months, I've really felt like I've been moving through mud. It requires so much more effort to accomplish things that used to be easy. I used to wake up raring to go in the morning, ready to attack whatever was on my list for the day. Now I'm slow, I'm unmotivated and I'm not confident. For me, that is the biggest and the worst part of the miscarriage; it has completely shaken my confidence in myself. The second half of this year will be dedicated to getting that back.

The Mother ^*$)&)# Cabinet Painting Project...

...is finished. For the most part. We have a few more doors to hang but those will go up quickly and we're hot. It's 90 degrees today and we're sweaty from dragging the new buffet up from the garage. More on that later. For now, the cabinets should be the star of the show. I am in love with them. I look at the Before picture and I just can't believe the difference. Tim and I love the new kitchen; it's crisp, clean, and uncluttered. We want to rip up the lineoleum and put down tile eventually, but for now we're content to be in our new fabulous kitchen. Enjoy! After!

I still can't believe that we cut a hole in the wall and made a breakfast bar. Who would have thunk it?

Weekend in Photos

The before..The middle...

The after...

I am loving the way our yard is coming together. I love the feel of the cool dirt between my fingers and listening to the sounds of the neighborhood as I work. It's a very soothing hobby.

I made a lot of progress this weekend in the house too. The kitchen cabinet project is winding down and the bathroom is just a mirror short of being done. Pictures are coming soon!!

Dirt under my fingernails

I spent this beautiful Saturday afternoon in the yard trying to make something of this mess.

Before

After!