Halfway Through the Year

Lightning storms have returned to sticky, humid nights. The birds have discovered our new feeders and the grill has been used almost constantly. Baseball season is in full swing. Summer is official, which also means that 2011 is half over. This has been an eye opening year and a terrible year. It's been a year of discovery for me. I've realized in the depths of my sorrows, how many people surround me and prop me up.

It's been about three months since we lost our little one and I have mostly good days. But I do have bad days too, days where I can't help but wonder why me and why aren't I six months pregnant with a round little belly? I have days where if I have to hear one more ridiculous platitude about it being nature's way or how someone is sure that I'll go on to have healthy kids, I might scream. None of this is helpful.

Because we're halfway through 2011, I went through my giant To-Do List to see how I'm doing. I'm not doing very well. We didn't do the 5 Boro Bike Tour or attend the Kentucky Derby. They were on the same weekend and we didn't do either one. I skipped the WGA Awards and can't find my camera users manual. I don't think Billy Joel is touring this summer and I can safely say that I'm not mentally competent this year to train for or run a half marathon.

But because I'm trying to be more positive, let's move on to the good things. I applied for the White House Tour so we're just waiting on a date. We're plotting our basement reno and the tile for the kitchen floor. We have to replace our fence unexpectedly, so the deck refinishing may have to wait but we're okay with that. I finished our wedding scrapbook earlier this year and worked in the yard a lot and completed a lot of the landscaping that wasn't on the list and I feel really good about that. I have surprised myself with how much I've enjoyed working in the yard and watching the flowers begin to bloom.

I've really had a hard time putting my feelings into words lately and blogging has been really difficult. It's tough to type the words when they're jumbled and incoherent in my head. These last few months, I've really felt like I've been moving through mud. It requires so much more effort to accomplish things that used to be easy. I used to wake up raring to go in the morning, ready to attack whatever was on my list for the day. Now I'm slow, I'm unmotivated and I'm not confident. For me, that is the biggest and the worst part of the miscarriage; it has completely shaken my confidence in myself. The second half of this year will be dedicated to getting that back.