I had another miscarriage.

We didn't just deal with an earthquake and a hurricane last week. We got bad pregnancy news for the second time this year. I posted a few weeks ago about being so sure I was pregnant and devastated when my cycle carried on like normal. As it turns out, I was pregnant. And what I thought was my normal cycle, was my second miscarriage.

I found this out last week after the blood tests confirmed that my beta levels were falling. This was a tough pill to swallow. On one hand, this miscarriage was easier to deal with because I only knew about it for five days. And I found out midcycle, which meant that it was already over by the time I got my positive test. It just took my body some time to catch up. But the other side is that this is my second one. One could have been a fluke, but two? Two is hard. Two could signal that there is something wrong. Two could mean that we may not be able to have the family that we want.

T and I talked a lot in the last few days about our next step and what we want. What I want and what I need right now is to step back. I am exhausted from trying to have a baby. I'm tired of my emotions being haywire and I'm tired of living and dying by the calendar. I'm just exhausted.

We decided to take the rest of the year off and focus on living our life. I feel like I've lost my old self this year and I miss her. She was fun and happy. She loved to laugh and spend time with friends. I want her back. This somber imposter who has moved in has got to go. I can't live under this cloud of stress and garbage anymore. I feel overwhelmingly relieved right now and hopeful for the first real time in a long time.

My mission for the rest of this year is to find my mojo. We are planning trips and home improvement projects and are looking forward to them. I am signing up for a photography class. I'm going to run that 10k in October. I will find my passion again and be the wife and partner that T deserves.

And we'll see what life brings us.

Our very small aftermath

We flooded. T came home from work on Sunday to our own not so little lake. He called from the other side, trapped by a body of water that flooded two basements and caused the neighbors to gather. Soon a folding table appeared and was covered with booze. More neighbors ventured out of their houses to see this craziness. And when someone ran out of beer, three people hopped into an inflatable boat and paddled for the store. T waited with some other stranded folks for someone with a boat so he could cross the divide. He finally got tired of waiting and drove two streets away, parked the car and set off on foot. He walked through the woods, hopped a fence and cut through backyards of people we don't know to get to the top of the hill where our house is.
We were very lucky in this storm. Other local counties are still without power. We only lost power for an hour or so on Sunday and the only lasting effect by Monday were the hangovers we all had.
I am feeling very lucky today. Last week was a bad one and I was looking forward to wallowing in my own self pity. Thankfully, S came to stay with us and she is an amazing friend. She rescued me from all of that ickiness and I put her on the train last night, feeling more like my old self that I have in months. Thank you S for spending the hurricane with us and saving me from myself.
XOXO

Irene

Complete with our favorite NJ storm refugee, we are preparing for oodles of rain and wind. It's my first hurricane. S and I headed out to Target for some last minute supplies. We're prepared with wine, beer, and our favorite cupcakes.

Hard days

It was a great weekend with my two BFF's. We were together back in NYC for the first time in over two years and I had been having really good feelings about our chances of getting the positive pregnancy test we've been waiting for. Until I woke up Sunday morning with the sinking realization that it wasn't happening this month. I threw up my hands, told myself "next month" and went out with the girls to visit a friend. A friend who told us she was six weeks pregnant. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I actually had a moment where I couldn't breathe and tried desperately not to let the tears fall while everyone congratulated and hugged her. I managed to do the same but I was suddenly exhausted.

We tried for five months before I got pregnant. It's now been five months since we lost the bean and I'm approaching my original due date. I didn't think that would affect me so much, but it suddenly hit me that I should be getting close to going out on maternity leave. We should have had a shower and decided on a name and had the nursery ready. I should be getting ready to meet our little one and instead I'm sitting on my couch alone trying to figure out how I'm going to get through the month of September. I was so sure that I'd be pregnant again as soon as we were ready and I consoled myself that I would definitely would be pregnant by the time September 18th rolled around. I'm mad that I'm letting myself sink back down into the muck but I'm having a really hard time trying to pull myself back up. I've been treading water these last few months but my legs are tired and I'm tired. Tired of being sad, tired of the tears, tired of the what if's and the should haves. I'm tired of being angry and tired of wondering what the hell the plan is for me.

Why is this so hard?

To Be Happy

I bought this book at O'Hare while waiting for our flight home. I liked it's happy blue cover and the fact that the author lives in New York City. And I liked her questions. How can we be happier? Excellent question. I'm always trying to improve my outlook while remembering to appreciate everything I have. I try and live life fully, but does it make me happier?

As I read about her experiment, I found myself earmaking pages that I wanted to come back to and memorizing phrases that rang true with me.

The author wanted to see if she could truly make herself happier. In the beginning she states that she wasn't unhappy, she just wasn't sure that she was getting the most out of life and enjoying things as much as she could. She chose a theme for each month of a one year period and made 4-5 resolutions for each that would help her achieve the goal of each theme. For example, the goal for the month of January was "Boost energy." To do this, she resolved to go to bed earlier, exercise better, toss, restore, and organize, tackle a nagging task, and act more energetic.

She learned that she could affect her happiness level in a positive way and at the same time, become the person that she wanted to be.

I was fascinated by her story and how it made my own wheels turn. What could I do to become happier? What can I do to ensure that I don't just float through my life, that I'm present and grateful, and motivated? She wondered if making herself happier now when things are good would help her survive when things were dark. I think it does. I was in a great place when I had the miscarriage and that knocked me down to the darkest point in my life. But on some level, I knew that it would pass someday and I would survive. I wasn't sure who I would be on the other end, but I knew that the storm would eventually clear.

She writes that The days are long but the years are short. This one hit me like a ton of bricks.
There are so many things that I deal with and get through, but don't pay attention at the time. Last week was a tough one at work. I couldn't wait for the weekend and when it finally came, I was thrilled. But in hoping for the week to be over, I didn't do anything to make the days better. I didn't go to yoga, didn't work in the yard. I have nothing to show for those 5 days. If I keep doing that, there's a big chunk of time that I have lost. This will be one of my ongoing resolutions, to enjoy the days even if they're stressful. I will try to counteract the ickiness with positivity. To do this, I will smile even though I may not feel like it. I will laugh out loud. I will sing at the top of my lungs (as long as I''m alone!) I will focus on other people, asking them how they're doing and trying to make them happier.

It is easy to be heavy, but hard to be light. It is so easy to be bogged down and hard for me to let things go. I have gotten much better in the last year about this, but I have a ways to go.

I love my To Do list because it keeps me motivated to do physical things and to get out of my comfort zone. But there are other things that I want to work on that are not goals, but resolutions.

To be a better friend: I need to keep up and in touch. I'm guilty of letting weeks go by without reaching out to my friends. I depend too much on email and facebook to stay in touch. To accomplish this goal, I will call more and send cards in the mail. I have oodles of notecards laying around and I will start sending them to my loved ones.

Keeping Memories: I do a pretty good job of this but I want to work harder. I will start our yearly digital photobooks. Right now I'm only 2 years behind, so I can get caught up quickly. I want to write the story of T and I using our courtship emails. I want to make albums for my nephew and niece.

To start your own happiness project, she recommends thinking about the following questions:

What makes you feel good? What activities do you find fun, satisfying or energizing?

What makes you feel bad? What are sources of anger, anxiety, boredom, frustrations or irritation?

Is there any way you don't feel right about your life? What would you change about your life? are you living up to your expectations for your life?

Do you have sources of an atmosphere of growth? In what elements of your life do you find progress, learning, challenge, or improvement?

I've been thinking a lot about these questions and will blog more about this topic as the answers become more clear to me. I loved this book and I know that I was in the right place and time to appreciate it. It has made me feel more clearheaded and is helping me to put my thoughts in order and figure out how to make my life as full as it can be.

Contemplating

It's been a strange few weeks of complete inspiration in my life and complete un-inspiration in my blog. I have a lot of things I want to write about here and I will, but lately, the words aren't flowing.

For now, I'm downloading my brain.

I finished a book last week that really has gotten my juices flowing. Thanks to the book, I have a few additions to my To Do List. I had a woman read my aura in a bookstore. I'm running again and feeling good about it. I signed up for three races. We had a great visit with my mother in law. The three of us discovered a fabulous local winery five minutes from where I work. I started eating meat again after a lot of reading, thinking, and soul searching. I'm dreaming over Syrian Meatballs. My garden is looking healthy. My best friend is coming to visit in four days and I am over the moon about seeing her. Life is full.