Hard days

It was a great weekend with my two BFF's. We were together back in NYC for the first time in over two years and I had been having really good feelings about our chances of getting the positive pregnancy test we've been waiting for. Until I woke up Sunday morning with the sinking realization that it wasn't happening this month. I threw up my hands, told myself "next month" and went out with the girls to visit a friend. A friend who told us she was six weeks pregnant. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I actually had a moment where I couldn't breathe and tried desperately not to let the tears fall while everyone congratulated and hugged her. I managed to do the same but I was suddenly exhausted.

We tried for five months before I got pregnant. It's now been five months since we lost the bean and I'm approaching my original due date. I didn't think that would affect me so much, but it suddenly hit me that I should be getting close to going out on maternity leave. We should have had a shower and decided on a name and had the nursery ready. I should be getting ready to meet our little one and instead I'm sitting on my couch alone trying to figure out how I'm going to get through the month of September. I was so sure that I'd be pregnant again as soon as we were ready and I consoled myself that I would definitely would be pregnant by the time September 18th rolled around. I'm mad that I'm letting myself sink back down into the muck but I'm having a really hard time trying to pull myself back up. I've been treading water these last few months but my legs are tired and I'm tired. Tired of being sad, tired of the tears, tired of the what if's and the should haves. I'm tired of being angry and tired of wondering what the hell the plan is for me.

Why is this so hard?