I had another miscarriage.

We didn't just deal with an earthquake and a hurricane last week. We got bad pregnancy news for the second time this year. I posted a few weeks ago about being so sure I was pregnant and devastated when my cycle carried on like normal. As it turns out, I was pregnant. And what I thought was my normal cycle, was my second miscarriage.

I found this out last week after the blood tests confirmed that my beta levels were falling. This was a tough pill to swallow. On one hand, this miscarriage was easier to deal with because I only knew about it for five days. And I found out midcycle, which meant that it was already over by the time I got my positive test. It just took my body some time to catch up. But the other side is that this is my second one. One could have been a fluke, but two? Two is hard. Two could signal that there is something wrong. Two could mean that we may not be able to have the family that we want.

T and I talked a lot in the last few days about our next step and what we want. What I want and what I need right now is to step back. I am exhausted from trying to have a baby. I'm tired of my emotions being haywire and I'm tired of living and dying by the calendar. I'm just exhausted.

We decided to take the rest of the year off and focus on living our life. I feel like I've lost my old self this year and I miss her. She was fun and happy. She loved to laugh and spend time with friends. I want her back. This somber imposter who has moved in has got to go. I can't live under this cloud of stress and garbage anymore. I feel overwhelmingly relieved right now and hopeful for the first real time in a long time.

My mission for the rest of this year is to find my mojo. We are planning trips and home improvement projects and are looking forward to them. I am signing up for a photography class. I'm going to run that 10k in October. I will find my passion again and be the wife and partner that T deserves.

And we'll see what life brings us.