My very first Craigslist find

Not bad for $25 eh? Well, $25 and a batch of Guinness cupcakes for the friend that I talked into picking it up for me. :)

A quick makeover and she'll be perfect in our kitchen.

Mail Call!

I came home today from this card from a dear friend in Minnesota, and this postcard from a friend working in Abu Dhabi.
Feeling the love today!

Attacking the List

T and I left the house twice this weekend. I went to yoga yesterday and then we went to the grocery store. The rest of the weekend was spent attacking our To-Do List. Several of the items had been languishing on the list for too long so we did those first.

Our master bedroom has been suffering from bare walls and no personality since the day we moved in. So we finally hung these. We've done almost a full bedroom makeover and I'll share that in the next few days.

The rug that used to be in the dining room was the same color as the floors so I'd been on the lookout for something darker and I was thrilled to find this one online a few weeks ago from Cost Plus. And on sale. Bonus!

This is the biggie: remember this photo from last fall?

Ta Da! It's finally done! We trimmed, spackled, taped, nailed, and painted. And we're in love. Pay no attention to the still unhung cabinet doors. We realize that it's been close to a year since we started that %&%*^ project and we're still trying to find hinges that will fit. Lesson for the day: Don't throw anything away until you're completely finished with the project. You never know what you may need.

Swirling Thoughts

1. Yoga is infiltrating my life. I was at Subway yesterday waiting to order my sandwich and I noticed that I was standing differently. My feet and legs were together and I was standing up straight. Keeping your insteps and your calves together in yoga keeps you rooted to the earth. This is one of the opening poses in practice and here I was doing it in Subway. waiting for my 6 inch veggie sandwich.

2. T and I have DVR'd and obsessively watched The Civil War by Ken Burns. This planted a road trip idea in our minds. We're going to spend some time in DC this summer and road trip to Manassas, Appomattox, and Gettysburg.

3. Because of number 2, I emailed Senator Gillibrand for permission to tour The White House. I also checked the boxes for the US Capitol, National Archives, Library of Congress, Bureau of Engraving and Printing, and The Supreme Court. Go big or go home right? :)

4. We are home this weekend, enjoying the last weekend of freedom together before the madness of summer (er, late spring?) begins.

5. I have two surprises that I'm working on for T's 35th birthday this May! I'm having a hard time keeping them under wraps but so far so good. I guess by writing that, I'm testing whether or not he really reads this as much as he claims. :)

6. When I first found out about our loss, I was online obsessively. I never wrote much about it publicly in any social media outlets, except the blog but I desperately needed to feel connected to the world and all of my people. But lately, I've stayed away. I've tried to spend more of my time at home just being with my husband. Reading great books. Taking my time with workouts. As much as FB has helped me stay connected with my loved ones far away, I think it became too much of a substitute for really staying in touch. And lets face it, what have I had to brag about lately? And on a selfish note, I don't think I could have seen one more pregnancy announcement. It hurts too much.

7. My BFF is running the Susan G Komen half marathon this November in AZ. I decided to meet her there and at least run the 5k event. I'm still contemplating the half. November is far enough away not to be too scary. Happy weekend!

Spring

I have been quite happily hiding in my house the last few weeks. T and I have been spending our time together, really talking, reading, loving, and healing. We go to the store, the gym, and work in the house. But I have been hiding from people. I love our people. But I don't feel like myself right now. I'm still trying to figure out how our loss has changed me and how I will come out of it.

This beautiful spring weekend, we not only left the house, but the state. We went to see our people and it was a good thing. I was able to talk to the friends who knew of our loss. They gave me strong hugs and asked how I was doing and really wanted to know. It was the friends who didn't know of the pregnancy that were difficult. I felt like I had nothing to say, like we had this momentus life changing event that I couldn't talk about. An event that has rocked my foundation and made me look inward and withdraw into the security blanket of my husband and I can't share it. I thought it would be nice to escape for a day and not have to think about it, but it made me feel sad that I was essentially making idle small talk with friends who had no idea what had been going on with us. We talked about the weather, the Red Sox and summer plans. I asked questions that required long answers so I could relax and not have to talk. It was exhausting. After the Red Sox game, we went to dinner with family and friends and that was easier for me. I was able to listen and laugh and not have to be "on."

All in all, it was a good weekend and I was very happy to see our friends and get a lot of healing hugs. My sister in law made it very easy for me to almost feel like my normal self. I spent Friday night with a dear friend who has been through two losses and two months ago, welcomed a little girl. I was able to confide in her and she made me feel much less alone. Miscarriage is such a strange thing; it's so common and yet so isolating. Since we had our miscarriage, several women in my life had confided in me that they had also gone though it. But it's so personal that nobody talks about it until they see another woman suffering with it. All last week, I wondered how I would react meeting our friends new daughter. I worried a little because I love babies and these particular friends but I've been so emotional and missing our own baby. I needn't have worried though. As soon as I saw her, she smiled at me. And as I cuddled with this little miracle and touched her tiny feet yesterday, she started to coo. Her beautiful little soul gave me such hope.

Brain Dump

This has been a weird week. I think I've moved past the tears and the anger and have gone to a place that is kind of blah. I'm fully back to my normal routine and have a case of the "I don't cares." I drag myself to work and do what I can to get through the day so I can escape home to T or to my yoga studio. I've thrown myself back into yoga. I'm trying to learn about this new body I have. My most consistent feeling these past few weeks has been that my body let me down. It couldn't do what it is biologically supposed to do. And when it had failed at nurturing our little bean, it didn't even have to decency to let me know. It allowed me to be blindsided at our 12 week appointment. No clues, no symptoms.

When I'm on the yoga mat, I'm studying my body's response to the poses. I'm pushing it to try new things, to hold poses longer and push my muscles further. I'm trying to get to know my body again. In the meantime, I have completed my first project on the to-do list and it was very therapeutic. I finished our wedding scrapbook, 2 years and 8ish months after the wedding.

A few of the pages.

T and I spent a wonderful relaxing hour at Barnes and Noble yesterday, sipping iced coffees and picking out some children's books that we plan on bringing with us next weekend when we meet our friends new miracle baby. Can you guess which book T picked out? :) The Sweet Valley Confidential is mine. I couldn't wait to read it and finished it in 2 hours. It's completely cheesy and awesome.

And speaking of cheesy and awesome...we used to love our homeade Friday night pizzas but we had gotten out of the habit. So we spent last night eating this deliciousness and hanging out together.