There is strength in release

I went back to yoga yesterday. My mind has missed it although my body seems happy to curl up on the couch and flip channels. When I saw my teacher, she could tell something was wrong. She had been so excited about my pregnancy and yesterday I had to tell her the bad news. She hugged me and cried with me and told me that she too, had once suffered a loss. It's amazing how many women have dealt with this and how many of them are willing to share their stories.

I was prepared for the emotions to hit me on the mat. Yoga is so freeing mentally. It allows me to be in touch with my body and my feelings in a way that I never was before. Working through the postures has shown me the connection between the body and the mind. And the emotions. My body seemed a little bit out of alignment yesterday but I was starting to feel strong. I was breathing.

Yoga breathing is something I am trying to refocus on. These last few weeks, I have found myself breathing very shallowly. In yoga, we take full, deep breaths and meditate on those breaths. When the mind wanders, we concentrate on the breath. In and out. 2 beats in, 3 beats out. It became a habit to breathe this way. In the last few weeks, I have lost that but I am now working on rediscovering it.

At the end of class, we do a guided meditation. Yesterday, my teacher talked about breathing and said something that caused a single tear to roll down my cheek out from under my closed eye. She said that there is strength in release. Releasing your stress. Releasing your tears. We gain strength in release. This is what I have been trying to do the last two weeks and I know that it's working because I feel stronger. At the end of class, I thanked her and asked if that line was for me. She said it was and she knew how strong I was because I was there. I'm so grateful for yoga and this studio and the women that make it up. Because of them, I'm working on regaining my balance, my strength, and my deep belly breaths.

Closure

This week has been both intense and calm. I've felt fine and relaxed and then had the silliest thing throw me into a fit of annoyance and anger. Work was very difficult this week because of this. The moment anyone looked at me sideways, the switch would flip and I would completely fall apart. This is so unlike me. Or at least the me that I used to be. I used to be so calm and and it really took a lot to get me to lose it. Lately, unfortunately, it doesn't take much.

Today was a good day though. I had my two week follow up appointment at the doctor, who pronounced the miscarriage just one of those things. She didn't find any reason in the pathology to suggest that it was anything but "nature's way" or "what was meant to be" or any of the other catch phrases that I have become aquainted with. I now feel a peace that I haven't felt in the last two weeks. I feel more ready to get on with the next part of our lives and I'm trying not to feel guilty for doing it. T and I signed up for a 5 mile race on Memorial Day weekend. We're plotting an anniversary getaway to Chicago. We're deciding on the Montreal curling tournament trip. (Don't ask) In short, we are taking baby steps to try and get back to our life and the things we love. Which is most of all, each other.

Squee!

My husband is home! I picked him up at the airport on Sunday night and couldn't be happier. I really missed him. I kept myself busy on the weekend by getting out the wedding scrapbook stuff and getting a good head of steam on that. It should be done by the time our third anniversary rolls around. :)

We are starting to look ahead to the spring and summer and I'm feeling good. Excited to plan some trips together. And dare I say, hopeful. Tim and I are going to be okay. We have our health, our families and friends, and most importantly, each other. I know that we will face whatever comes our way together and will come out stronger on the other end.

I think my heart is beginning to heal.

I bought myself a present

In memory of our angel.

Sunny

I woke up this morning dreading an entire two days by myself with nothing I had to do and nowhere I had to go. I made lunch plans with a friend and I have to admit that when it came time to get dressed to leave, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the cocoon of my house. But I managed to drag myself off the couch and over to the diner to meet my friend. And I'm so glad I did. We had a nice time catching up and I was able to talk about some of the things I was feeling. Without crying. Maybe this means I'm improving.

I felt so good after our visit that I stopped at Bed Bath and Beyond and picked up some new cheerful, springy things for the house. I decided to toss the faded old bathroom mats and replaced them with vibrant purple. I found the perfect gauzy curtains for our master bedroom. I opened all the windows in the house and let the sunny spring breeze wash away some of the ick in the house. I scrubbed the bathroom and washed all the tile floors. There is something so theraputic about a clean, lavender scented house, neatly folded clothes, and curtains wafting in the breeze.

And tonight, on what is thankfully, my last night of being home alone, I'm content to eat chips and salsa for dinner and lose myself in a Sex in the City marathon on E.

Feeling Sad

I look different. I guess that's appropriate because I feel so different than I did a week ago. 9 days ago, I was rubbing my teeny tiny baby bump and loving the way it felt. Tonight I'm on the couch with my heating pad because of the cramps. My bump is disappearing. I no longer need that extra bra size. The pregnancy symptoms I was loving are going away and leaving in their place a pale and gaunt face with deep bags under the eyes. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and was shocked at how I look. I barely recognized myself.

3 days before I found out I was pregnant, I made the To Do List on the right side of the blog. I've had a week at home without my husband and normally when he's on his yearly Vegas trip, I can't wait to attack the list. This year, I haven't looked at it. It hurts to know that I can do all of those things now. I had mentally moved the things I wouldn't be able to do because of the pregnancy into 2012. This week I could have started looking for a brew festival or plot all the painting I want to do in our basement reno. But I don't want to do those things. I don't want a glass of wine or to train for a race. It all seems like a shitty consolation prize.

This was the first week back to reality since the unreality of last week. I'm not going to try and sugercoat how hard it was. I had 2 good days and 3 days full of tears and anger. The hormones raging inside of me are no joke. They are making me feel a little crazy. I can go from zero to complete bitch in 5 seconds. I did have flashes of my old self this week. I caught myself joking with the guys at work and laughing with Tim on the phone. I'm hopeful that these flashes will become stronger and I'll start to really pull out of this funk. But for now, my body is telling me to relax, and I'm okay with being glued to the couch on a Friday night with my beloved heating pad strapped to my waist.

It's been 10 years...

..since Tim and I met at Studio 54 in Las Vegas. We were there on respective boy and girl weekends. I know what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas, at least according to the commercials, but he was just too fantastic to relegate to a mere vacation memory. 10 years ago tonight, my friend S flashed her press badge to skip the line. Tim and his friends greased the bouncer. I was wearing my most fabulous aviator sunglasses, which I had never done before. I wasn't exactly the sunglasses at night kind of girl. When I laid eyes on Tim, he was wearing sunglasses too. Only his were very Jason Priestly. We were a match made in heaven. We danced all night and I matched him Jack Daniels and Coke for Jack Daniels and Coke.

I certainly wasn't on the hunt for a husband in Vegas but I did find a friend. We wrote letters, sent emails, and racked up huge phone bills and frequent flier miles. I dusted off the old scrapbook for these!

He showed off his hometown of Boston.

He took me to visit New York for the first time. It was love at first sight. we even planned the weekend so I could go to Yankee Stadium and see my beloved Giants beat Tim's most hated entity, the Evil Empire.


He visited me in the Bay Area and we explored San Francisco.

When Tim and I met, I had no idea of the adventure that would lay ahead for us. We have had such an unbelievable ten years together. We have traveled, loved, and lost. He is the kindest man I have ever known. He makes me want to be the best version of myself that I can. On my birthday this year, he looked into my eyes and told me that I was his everything. I can't quite believe that I was lucky enough to meet him and build a life with him and even with our devastating loss last week, I wouldn't trade a single minute of our life together. He is my best friend and my everything and I am excited and hopeful to see what the next ten years will bring us.

A tough day

Yesterday was a good day. Last night was hard. Today I cried in the bathroom three times. I'm really having a tough time keeping an even keel lately. I don't know what triggers the tears because I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. They just come on and I try and run for the bathroom before any of the guys at work can see me. They've been worried about me and unsure of how to help. And although they all have wives at home, I really think the visual of a crying female freaks them out. Anyway, the sun came out this afternoon and my mood improved. Not sure if that can be a coincidence.

These are the gorgeous flowers that I received this week. They definitely brighten my day when I see them. And these days, I'm looking for anything bright that will make me smile.

Feeling numb

I've tried to write this a few times but can't bring myself to hit post. I've been afraid that once it's out there it will be real. But, I've spent the last two days hiding in my house and I still can't escape the reality that we're in. So here goes. Last Wednesday was going to be the magical day where we were going to unleash our beautiful baby news on the world. We were supposed to get the confirmation that 12 week baby M was healthy and strong. But life doesn't always work out the way we hope. The tech removed the wand from my belly before we could completely comprehend that there was no heartbeat.

I was not prepared for that and I'm trying desperately to come to grips with it. Going through the D&C helped a bit. Focusing on the physical pain of this experience helped me avoid the emotional pain. But now that I'm physically healed, there is no escape from the emotion. . And it hurts. A lot. I've cried more in the last 5 days than I've ever cried in my life. These sobs come out of nowhere. My husband is an amazing strength for me. He cries with me and holds me so tight I know he'll never let go.

I'm doing my best right now to let the grief come when it needs to. I try not to hold back and let it wash over me. I'm hoping that if I face it head on, I'll be able to come out stronger on the other side. But it's so hard. It hurts so much.

Today was a hard day. I went back to work and watched the men fumble around me. A few of them were fantastic and said exactly what I needed to hear. "We're here if you need us." Some of the others didn't talk to me. I guess they didn't know what to say which I do understand. It still stung a little bit.

Today I am 34.

I tried to ignore my birthday this year but I'm thankful that nobody paid attention. I was showered with love and flowers and hugs from as far as 3000 miles away. It is with all of these people bolstering us up, that we will make it through this awful place. I am so grateful for the friends and family that love us from all over the country. T and I are so lucky.