I look different. I guess that's appropriate because I feel so different than I did a week ago. 9 days ago, I was rubbing my teeny tiny baby bump and loving the way it felt. Tonight I'm on the couch with my heating pad because of the cramps. My bump is disappearing. I no longer need that extra bra size. The pregnancy symptoms I was loving are going away and leaving in their place a pale and gaunt face with deep bags under the eyes. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and was shocked at how I look. I barely recognized myself.
3 days before I found out I was pregnant, I made the To Do List on the right side of the blog. I've had a week at home without my husband and normally when he's on his yearly Vegas trip, I can't wait to attack the list. This year, I haven't looked at it. It hurts to know that I can do all of those things now. I had mentally moved the things I wouldn't be able to do because of the pregnancy into 2012. This week I could have started looking for a brew festival or plot all the painting I want to do in our basement reno. But I don't want to do those things. I don't want a glass of wine or to train for a race. It all seems like a shitty consolation prize.
This was the first week back to reality since the unreality of last week. I'm not going to try and sugercoat how hard it was. I had 2 good days and 3 days full of tears and anger. The hormones raging inside of me are no joke. They are making me feel a little crazy. I can go from zero to complete bitch in 5 seconds. I did have flashes of my old self this week. I caught myself joking with the guys at work and laughing with Tim on the phone. I'm hopeful that these flashes will become stronger and I'll start to really pull out of this funk. But for now, my body is telling me to relax, and I'm okay with being glued to the couch on a Friday night with my beloved heating pad strapped to my waist.
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