I've tried to write this a few times but can't bring myself to hit post. I've been afraid that once it's out there it will be real. But, I've spent the last two days hiding in my house and I still can't escape the reality that we're in. So here goes. Last Wednesday was going to be the magical day where we were going to unleash our beautiful baby news on the world. We were supposed to get the confirmation that 12 week baby M was healthy and strong. But life doesn't always work out the way we hope. The tech removed the wand from my belly before we could completely comprehend that there was no heartbeat.
I was not prepared for that and I'm trying desperately to come to grips with it. Going through the D&C helped a bit. Focusing on the physical pain of this experience helped me avoid the emotional pain. But now that I'm physically healed, there is no escape from the emotion. . And it hurts. A lot. I've cried more in the last 5 days than I've ever cried in my life. These sobs come out of nowhere. My husband is an amazing strength for me. He cries with me and holds me so tight I know he'll never let go.
I'm doing my best right now to let the grief come when it needs to. I try not to hold back and let it wash over me. I'm hoping that if I face it head on, I'll be able to come out stronger on the other side. But it's so hard. It hurts so much.
Today was a hard day. I went back to work and watched the men fumble around me. A few of them were fantastic and said exactly what I needed to hear. "We're here if you need us." Some of the others didn't talk to me. I guess they didn't know what to say which I do understand. It still stung a little bit.
Today I am 34.
I tried to ignore my birthday this year but I'm thankful that nobody paid attention. I was showered with love and flowers and hugs from as far as 3000 miles away. It is with all of these people bolstering us up, that we will make it through this awful place. I am so grateful for the friends and family that love us from all over the country. T and I are so lucky.
My thoughts are with you and your husband. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I hope you can take the time you need to heal and make sure you lean on each other to get through this time. Love from Cali!
ReplyDeleteEveryone processes things differently, but I have to say I know exactly how you are feeling. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I think you're doing the right thing by embracing your grief, if it doesn't make it feel better it does help in the long run. My thoughts have been and will continue to be with you guys.
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